Been REBORN but never BAPTIZED

I can't even remember when was the last time I posted anything here...
It's just that these past few days... weeks... months..years...perhaps!
That I actually a lil bit of confused with my ownself plus the stuffs that I've been crossing each passing day of my life..
I dont even recognized Khaye Garcia's been lost for somehow I couldnt explain how days, months, years have passed and knocking my head down realizes that I'm really have to get out of my shell and spill things out..
I couldnt bear this burden anymore..
Living a life full of struggles and sufferings cant really show the real me
which suppossed to be the happy-go-lucky gal who grew up on a lil town from a not so far away country..
Ive lived and survived for at least 26 years and 10 months
Things still the same..
it just goes out like this
the next day.. still the same
until I see myself going to NOWHERE!
I've enjoyed myself and my life being young
Being the youngest... the-so-called-spoiled-brat.. that was me
The kind of life grown without "a father" but a complete package brought by my grandmom was like living the life to the most!
YES!
I was like that then...
Been done what I've wanted to do...
Had what I wanted to have...
Until the day that my selfishness brought me here, to the place I've never imagined I would be...
The reason why I have to grow without a father
the reason why people have to judge me and my family and looked us that down
but still... here I am... up to now
For these past 7 years of my life living here in jpn I've learned much lessons that I have to decide what kind of life the other world has
It has full of surprises and excitements.... yet... failure for most of the people like me...
People had to judge me with my appearance since then...I'm already used to it
Im suffering with all the stupid decisions I've been making since then
Nothing nor no one to blame tho
For these passed years..
Ive learned how to act with what I wanna do
and learned its consequences...
I had flings... Ive been into relationships and ended not well
I've been married once and got divorced
and I really have learned a lot from it
..... I thought!
Just always been thinking that I'm doing the right thing coz following my heart than thinking a lot about decision making's the best one to choose good or bad
but I'm absolutely WRONG!
Everything happens after I decide something falls out and ends like a TRASH!
As if it tells me that I can't decide for myself for whatever plan or decision I make... I fail
Nothing's perfect
Nor no one's perfect...
I know that
but still...
why does it have to be this way?
Do I have to shout my rants every single day of my failing DAYS?!
or Do I really have to restart my life and go back from where I really have to stay and where I have to start my life all over again?
I couldnt ask anybody
People... yes... people
They're all here and there and everywhere to listen
but would they understand?!
would they really care?!
In my life I hvae been bitter hurt and sacrificed
I know what this LIFE'S all about
Why do I have to tell my hardships to the people when I actually know that we all have our own problems in life?!
I dont wanna run..
I dont even wanna face it..
for the consequences I know...
but what do I have to do?!
As I always been telling myself..
I'm tired and I really wanna go out and live a different path
but here I am... and here I am now...
Few months from now and another year will be added on my youth
or should i say I'm really getting ol but still no lessons learned at all?!
Damn life!
Damn me!