A Life's So Confusing.... (1)

" a kind of life living in a room, full of everything I want and I need, makes me happy but never made me complete and contented... " ~kG~
As far as I remember, I was freshly graduated from highschool when my mom decided to bring me to my Aunt's house ( matigas daw kasi ulo ko, pasaway! ). My Aunt's my father's eldest sister na talaga namang kinatatakutan ng buong familia. She's soOo strict and disciplinarian, worse than my grandmother na nagpalaki talaga sa akin. I remember when I was a kid, my family in my mother's side brings me to my Aunt's house na talaga namang nakakapatindig balahibo at nakakapanginig ng kalamnan sa takot pagkaharap ang Auntie kong yon. But surprisingly, the moment my mother brought me to their house, nawala ang takot ko sa kaniya. I've stayed there for almost a year and i dont know why the feeling's been dissappeared. Nakakabigla kasi... sa lahat ng kamaganak ko s afather side, sa akin lang siya ganon. She's always been sweet, thoughtful, caring... She brings me wherever she goes.... sa church, sa family or social gathering, laging ako ang kasama niya. Lagi nga niya akong sinasama sa mga KIKAY stuffs niya eh like shopping, sa salon/parlor, pati kapag nagpapamanicure pedicure siya pati ako damay lagi. She lets me wear branded clothes, perfumes, bags, shoes and accessories na ni isa sa familia hindi niya tranato ng ganon ( ayon sa mga kamaganak ko ) Mismong mga anak niya nagseselos at naiinggit na sa akin dahil sa treatment my Aun't been giving me. Hanggang sa tinutukso ako ng mga relatives ko na favorite daw kasi ako ng Auntie ko, sa akin lang daw lumalambot ang puso niya. I didn't know what to say or what i must feel everytime sabihan nila ako ng ganon coz for me that's too common since im also the favorite of my lola sa aming magkakapatid.Thou considering that it's my actually first time to mingle with my relatives on my father side since i was born. But despite of the blessings that I've been recieving, I remember myself writting a diary before I sleep every night and it sound funny because almost pare pareho lang naman ang naisusulat ko doon. Lahat nasa sa akin na daw. Sabi ng mga tao, Im so lucky to have a life like what I have... I eat more than 4X a day, I have nice clothes, new shoes and bags, accessories ang gadgets. I live in a big house everybody dreams to have. Ni hindi nga ako sumasakay ng jeep or tricycle kasi nga may sasakyan naman, dalawa pa. I face well-known personas in Tarlac and attends social gatherings/parties with my Auntie almost every week. Kung tutuusin, wala ng maihihiling pa ang isang tulad ko.Ano pa nga ba?
As I stare at my window every night, naiisip ko.. bakit ibang taong kaedad ko, kahit nasa kalye, nagtatawanan, naghaharutan, nagkakapikunan pero nakangiti pa rin? Wala ng ulam sa hapag kainan pero nagagawa pa ring makipag tong its, matalo man o manalo? Simpleng buhay lang pero masaya sila.. bakit ako? I tried to look for answers everyday....
Hindi ako pwedeng makipag kaibigan ke ganito kasi ganyan daw.... Hindi ako pwedeng ligawan ni ganito kasi di daw nila kilala... or shoud I say... "HINDI KILALA"..... hindi ako pedeng magsuot ng ganito kasi ano na lang sasabihin ng mga taong makakakita... hindi ako pedeng pumunta sa ganitong lugar kesyo ganito kesyo ganyan.... I do understand that they just want the best for me. I've felt I've becoming her robot, her puppet, her toy. You should be like this! You do like that! We'll be going here and there! You join the contest! Practice ballroom dancing! etc etc etc.... At first i thought it was fun, as a kid I must obey them for they know what's best for me so I did obeyed her, them. I laughed, I was happy.... but at the end of the day.... in my room..... I'm alone and empty.